Hi, i am a junior. Oh yeah, i'm currently in Rhode Island. (Niether Rhode nor Island.) Chillin' in Cranston (still Providence, it's all Providence, except for Newport, Warwick, and Pawtucket - but the last two are like Bellaire and Kingwood to Houston,TX). This is the era of Mika. Just loungin' in her place, enjoying my time with her. We redid her room. Well, she redid her room.

WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL BABY!!!
I DON'T THINK Y'ALL REALIZE HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME!!!
IT IS MONDAY, I JUST FINISHED. EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN DONE SINCE FRIDAY (IF NOT BEFORE)!!!
(OK, turning caps lock off now.) Man, i'm so excited i don't even know what to do. It's funny too cus all i want to do is sleep. I've been up for the past 3 days with random times where i would wake up and realize that my body said "no!" Geez, i guess it's time to pack now.

Awwww, i just want to rest. But hey, at least i'm done.

Alright y'all i've bootleggedly completed one paper. Now i shall start the other. I don't know why i even took time to make a full post out of this, but i did. Yep.

Yes, i am still working on this final. Yes, other kids have started their summer, yes i am not sure i can even stay like this, but i changed my flight, cus i am in love beyond logic. But it is a good thing, cus i guess i should be here. There must be something i'm supposed to do or something. I don't know, the Lord will tell me.

Go B. P. !
"....it's ya birthday!"
We gone study like...
"....it's ya birthday!"
We gone write a final like...
"....it's ya birthday!"
Cus the final's due the day
after yo' birthday!!!

Yep, so i'm sitting here, frantically writing a final. And guess who comes in and sits next to me. The TA who will be greading it. How odd is that?! I mean the dude is cool than a mug, but it's just kinda odd to be sitting next to the dude who will more or less, raise or lower my GPA. Lord, please let this man find favor with my work. Alright... I'ma expound on this later. Don't want him to lean left and see this.

Skiptomynew: hey
BrentDaGent: hey
BrentDaGent: so i came in today
BrentDaGent: started working the booth
BrentDaGent: then morgan came downstairs and was like
Skiptomynew: 'brent's the coolest cat in the world..'!?
BrentDaGent: ha, i wish.
BrentDaGent: she said....
BrentDaGent: "brent, you're here, that's not usual."
BrentDaGent: i thought that was strange, so i replied "...but i'm working for you"
BrentDaGent: she was like, "what???, we went over the last night remember, 9-11PM"

BrentDaGent: then i was like, "really?.............=-Ooh yeah"
BrentDaGent: ":-$i wonder who's shift i'm covering"
Skiptomynew: hmm
BrentDaGent: yep
BrentDaGent: person never showed either
Skiptomynew: ok that's weird
BrentDaGent: yep

The following night hurt. It really hurt. But I am going to be alright. I'll elaborate on it later. For now i'll just say, i don't like seeing silver benzs at 4AM. Heck, i don't even like being awake at 4AM. Yet I am still glad she told me before hand.

Peace, ATF forever.

Last night, i did some meditation. Well, i really thought about my relationships, how they ended, my actions, and how i got a reputation. Certain persons were right, i didn't take a significant amount of time in between each relationship. If you want, you can believe that last night i basically did alot of the thinking about the relationship that I was supposed to do while i was in them. Others saw this lack of "grieving period(s)" and assumed that I didn't care about the people i was in the relationship with. Of course this isn't true, otherwise i wouldn't have started a relationship with them.

Actually to me their feelings for me didn't seem that deep. They may have been, but they never really showed me that they cared too much about me. So feeling that they really didn't care what i did, why would i feel a hurt deep enough to stop me from moving on to someone who might really reciprocate. I feel like for them i was just something nice to call up and conveniently fit into their schedule, as opposed to someone that meant something significant to them. For me, if i am in a relationship i am going to try to put my whole self into the relationship, but in my fall and spring relationship i feel like i was always trying to progress the relationship on my own. As if i was in a relationship by myself. Those two just never let themselves open up to me. Which was disappointing, but i think the fact that they didn't care stopped me from ever letting myself get vulnerable to them. Sure we had good times, and i enjoyed being as close to the person as they allowed me, but i still felt like i was working to keep from getting dropped the whole time.

For the fall relationship, she dumped me after a month saying that she had work to do, and then wanted to be back together again a couple days later. However, when she left me it just opened this pandora's box of faults. I started becoming bothered by all these qualities in her that before i cast aside. I cast them aside because back then i thought i saw the deeper caring individual inside. By the middle of the second month, i just couldn't stand trying to hold up this relationship with someone who had discarded me so coldly, and eventually turned me off. So we mutually decided to go our seperate ways on the first of december. Then i moved on. You would think that i didn't take anytime to really think about what went wrong, when actually i had thought about it all the time. I guess you can say the whole second month of our relationship was me thinking about the two of us, and if i should try and give things another chance (which i did give, hence the second month, i just really kept thinking about us and if should stay in something that didn't seem romantic anymore). Yes sometimes I wonder if i just never gave her enough time to really open to me, but when she stopped talking to me it basically helped me resolve things in my mind. I mean, the fact that she couldn't even be friends or acquaintances with someone she wanted embracing her in the most intimate ways at one point; well... that just wasn't becoming of someone with which i would really want to involve myself. It seemed petty to me, and unwise being that we are in such close proximity being at the same campus and hanging in overlapping circles (later even working at the same job). I put alot of thought into the whole situation then, just as i am now. Yes I seemed to move on quickly, but really i didn't come back nor open myself to her again after she dumped me. Sure I was technically loyal (i don't like cheating), but my feelings weren't in it as they could have been had she seemed into it.

In between the fall and spring relationships, i wasn't exactly sure what i was doing or who i was focusing on. In fact i guess that was the problem. I pursued a couple people at the same time, seeing who i could have a nice relationship with. I mean i had enjoyed the relationship in the fall, and i enjoyed the good times. I wanted to laugh, talk, and just kick it with someone who would return that. Why did i want a relationship? Same reason as most people, i would think. One gets used to being by themselves, understanding how that whole existence works, had a good time being alone, but now one wants someone to share they're days with. Two oversimplify it, one is not content with being one and wants to be two. I was looking for someone to be two with, then someone called me out on pursuing more than one person at a time, so i was like hmph, maybe i should take sometime and really just re-center myself. So i did, went back home, saw my mom, chilled. Then it was time for spring semester. When I got back, i still took my time to just know myself. It was hard to focus on me for so long seeing that i am an only child and there has basically never been anyone else but me (and my mother) for me to focus on.

At the start of february, i wound up talking to this person that i actually first noticed way back at SCOPE. After a few conversations in february though, i found out that she liked me. Well, she almost told me herself, but i trusted what her friend said. I should have tried to hear it from the source. There is a big difference between the friend telling you versus the person liking you enough to tell you themself. I'm not even going to get into the valentine's day thing, and indirectly asking her to be in a relationship with me. ("Indirect" is a good word to describe the whole relationship.) I don't know, i just felt like i wasn't anything to her the whole time. As well, i felt like it was her friends trying to keep her in something that she otherwise wouldn't be in. I just didn't feel like i meant anything to her. So then i started messing with her mind. Turned off whatever filter a boyfriend is supposed to have and just let whatever was on my mind fly. I know i would say things that coming from anyone else would be a hint at something but from me was really just a random thought. Eventually she just thought i was weird, and she left me and it really didn't hurt me that much. I think i was disappointed that the relationship had been so one-sided. I basically got involved in something she wasn't ready for. She doesn't speak to me at all now. After that relationship i was tired of relationships, drama, and the reputation and all that mess. I mentally went on vacation right after that.

People don't seem to believe me when I say i am very in control of my emotions. People always think i easily start liking someone. Which is partly right but mostly wrong. It is wrong because what i never express are the numerous amount of doubts and worries i have while i'm getting to know someone better. Instead i just play the optimist, as opposed to the more pessimistic view which would have me not start anything and miss out on that which i have now have no real regrets about. Basically what happens is that I find a few qualities that i think a nice in someone, then i get curious. I start wondering what it would be like to be romantically involved with them. I start wondering what are all the things that only a boyfriend would know about them. However i really do have a number of doubts about each relationship i get in before i get in it. As well, i rarely expect it to last a lengthy amount of time. It's just the realist in me. However, I optimistically hope that i discover that the person that i involved myself with is really a very good match for me and that we will have a long relationship. So i would jump into it, trying to psych myself into believing that this person really was a much better match for me than they really were. I mean how right would i be just counting that person out based on what i thought i knew about them from our interactions without really giving the relationship a chance. As well, (back then) i liked being in relationships. (Now, i need a break, the break that hopefully summer will provide. I have just had a relationship that i just can't figure out and i don't know what to think. I feel a number of things all at once but most of them hurt. So it's gone take a long while before i am ready to be vulnerable to someone else.) Anyway as i was saying, i liked relationships last year, I hadn't really been in them up to that point. There was only a couple brief relationships in high school, and one in middle school before that. I don't really regret them nor my actions in them (well, more or less). I just learned a lot in a short amount of time. I am tired now. I need sleep.
Peace.